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Two guys take a hard look at the Cowboys schedule.
Fifty-five year old Super Fan: Dallas could be the
first ever to be a “home” team in the Super Bowl. Twentysomething dude: I read in the bathroom that this is a team that lucked out with injuries last year. Game 1 – At Washington. The Cowboys have a stellar opening game record and playing on Sunday Night ought to ramp things up, even if it’s in an archrival’s territory. 1-0. Dude, what about if Roy Williams and Dez Bryant fight about who carries what and drop, like, 14 passes between them? Dallas loses. (Giggle.) Game 2 – Chicago. Dallas also seldom drops its
home opener. The Bears should fall. 2-0. I bet a slew of drunk Cowboys fans tumble out of the Party Pass section and land on Dez Bryant. Dude, that’d be awesome! Game 3 – At Houston. The Texans, probably playoff-bound this year, seem to always give the Cowboys fits. This looks like a loss. 2-1. It’s humid in Houston, right? Who could play in that humidity? Loss! Game 4 – After an early bye, the Cowboys have a chance to put some distance between themselves and other NFC East rivals. Why? Dallas travels away from the friendly confines of Cowboys Stadium only once in the entire month of October. The homey stretch begins when Dallas hosts Tennessee on Oct. 10. That’s almost certainly a victory. 3-1. Dallas loses and Wade Phillips suddenly regains all that weight he lost in one day by eating lotsa postgame nachos ($9 a pop). Dude, this is easy! Game 5 – At Minnesota. The Cowboys would like to avenge last year’s loss in the postseason, but the Vikings are tough at home. Dallas loses a close one. 3-2. Like, get in your car and race up I-35 and bet everything you own at, like, one of those American Indian casinos. Dallas gets killed! Game 6 – Here’s where the Cowboys pick up steam. A formidable foe, the New York Giants, come to Arlington Oct. 25. However, it’s not only a home game, but the Pokes will have an extra day’s rest since it’s a Monday night clash. Of course, so will the Giants (having faced weak Detroit the previous week), but the Cowboys will still win this one. 4-2. How much you wanna make a bet I could throw a football over them mountains! Dude, that’s from Napoleon Dynamite! Remember? Get it? Game 7 – Even a short week won’t keep Dallas from beating the visiting Jacksonville Jaguars. 5-2 Ooh, Jaguars sound scary with those claws and everything. Jacksonville victory! Game 8 – Winning at Green Bay is not easy. The Packers are preseason favorites and the weather could be weird. A loss. 5-3. Dude, is this all you do – sit around and figure out a bunch of stuff about a football team? Don’t you have an Xbox? Game 9 – Here’s the unexpected upset! Dallas wins at New York, gaining the tie-breaker over the Giants. 6-3. Sure. Why not? Game 10 – An easy victory against visiting Detroit puts some space between East rivals. 7-3. I’m hungry. Game 11 – Thanksgiving Day! Even if it’s against the defending Super Bowl champs New Orleans, Dallas does not lose on Turkey Day! 8-3. Mmmm..turkey... Game 12 – A trip to Indianapolis isn’t winnable. 8-4. I wonder if Taco Casa is still open. Game 13 – The Cowboys keep the Eagles at bay as the final two home games are back to back. The Pokes win a close one. 9-4. Whatever. Game 14 – Dallas creams Washington and takes its home finale. 10-4. I’ve never seen the Grand Canyon. Game 15 – A win against a declining Cardinal squad in Arizona gives Dallas 11 wins and a playoff berth. 11-4. I once killed a water moccasin with a big rock. Game 16 – A loss at Philadelphia in the regular season finale hardly matters as the Cowboys rest players for the postseason. 11-5. Who cares? Dude, I’m gonna go lay down for a while. Mark K. Campbell is the News sports editor. |
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