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Oh, there are plenty of unknown or barely- known critters roaming round on our beloved planet. And one keeps popping up lately – the “mythological” chupacabra.
Naturally, every time a chupacabra is discovered, the government rushes out an explanation that it’s some kind of “sick coyote” that has a disease that caused it to lose its hair.
But any conspiracy nut, I mean enthusiast, immediately knows you can trust a government announcement about as far as you can throw the Warren Commission Report. Lately, the chupacabra has been showing up in Hood County, often seen shopping at the popular Granbury square. In fact, two appeared recently; one was conveniently consumed by a “vulture” which is “black helicopter” in conspiracy talk. If I were on the Granbury school board, I’d push for a mascot change from Pirates to Chupacabra. (Of course, the pluralization debate about whether to add an ‘s’ to make it chupacabras could get hung up at the state school board level for years.)
With this latest influx of creatures that purportedly don’t exist, it’s time we all got acquainted with what could be lurking outside your window about 3 a.m. this morning. Chupacabra are especially prevalent in Latin American countries, according to that bastion of truth, the Internet. The “goat suckers” usually prey on livestock, but Twilight fans should probably be careful anyway since many of them are livestock-y, too. The creatures – we’re back to the chupacabra here, not Twifans – are tricky in appearance, resembling everything from reptiles with forked tongues to goggle-eyed canines. (Hmmm, maybe we are talking Twifans...) And they stink like sulfur (once again, back to the chupacabra). Every mythological creature smells, apparently, from the famed Lake Worth Monster to Charles Barkley. Bigfoot is famed for its odor, making it an even greater wonder that one has never been caught. Maybe the ever-evolving yeti are disguising their funk which would explain their recent piles of magazine fragrance strips found in the East Texas woods. It’s easy to scoff about mysterious beings living undetected for generations on earth. However, most of the globe remains unexplored; the majority of us around here just drive up and down Highway 199 for most of our lives. Did you know that oceans cover 71 percent of the earth (accounting for 97 percent of all water) yet 95 percent of the waters are unexplored? And that’s according to NOAA (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration), not my Uncle Elmo this time. Clearly, the Lake Worth Monster could mosey down to the Gulf of Mexico – well, not this year with the BP oil leak and all, but usually – and remain undiscovered. What about the land surface? Perhaps as much as 20 percent is unexplored according to a website I found that did not have a cool acronym like NOAA. That means there are masses of thick forests, miles of impassable snow-covered mountain ranges, and swaths of sandy dunes that could be home to who knows what kind of critter. This being Texas, we usually shoot- and-barbecue first when it comes to the majority of creatures; why not alien ones? So this is a suggestion for the harvesting of monsters: Kill on sight, no limit – chupacabra (they’re murdering livestock; if feasting on a Twifan, it’s okay to take your time); vampires (even if they’re pretty boys); thunderbirds (they need a long lead to bring down); werewolves (require special ammunition not available at Wal-Mart but ask for the “Jacob special” at Zale’s) Run like the wind – T-rex; sea monster; dragon Take your time – mummy (they are so slow); zombie (ditto); Charles Barkley (double ditto) Try to ride - unicorn (anyone who would kill a unicorn is a monster); mothman (can get you through [over] 199 traffic much easier); Charles Barkley Check for proper entry papers – Himalayan abominable snowman Teach to hit a slo-pitch softball – yeti Yes, our planet appears to be bulging with nefarious creatures and, as good Americans, we should hunt them all down. Good luck getting a special gremlin tag, though. Mark K. Campbell is the News sports editor. |
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